For now, enjoy the pure spectacle of The Witcher in the teaser below: Netflix is also clearly just saying “Hey, you liked Game of Thrones? Here’s this!” Basically, the series looks big and messy and may fall prey to other videogame adaptations in trying to please entrenched fans first and newbies last, but of course all of that remains to be seen. The production values are outstanding, but the plotting is something of a question mark. However, for those unfamiliar with the story of the Witcher, the trailer was a bit convoluted. Cavill is stoic, battle-worn and hot as all hell. And to that we say: finally! There has been much discussion of Henry Cavill as Geralt of Rivia in The Witcher (Is he perhaps too pretty? Is there too much Legolas in that hair design?) but the trailer released today at San Diego Comic Con should quell those concerns. But y’all? None of my Witcher senses are tingling.With both the prequel series Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance and the adaptation of The Witcher videogames and book series, Netflix is leaning hard into the fantasy genre. I hope they put Cavill spreadeagle in wooden tub and make the worst parts of the internet just as uncomfortable as when it happened the first time. I hope it’s nominated for a record number of Emmys and becomes a beloved fixture of fantasy television. I hope I’m wrong about all this, and that the show ends up being a complete triumph. Allan seems emotive and looks to have the weepy terror of a frightened waif down pat, but there isn’t enough of Yennifer interacting with others to get a sense for how Chlotra’s portrayal might shake out. The trailer gives us quick little tastes of Yennifer’s transformation into a sorceress, and of Ciri’s hidden powers bursting from her subconscious in true, Gohan-like fashion. To their credit, Anya Chalotra’s Yennifer and Freya Allan’s Ciri both look way more natural in this world than Cavill does. The only shot that got me truly excited was our brief glimpse of Roach, Geralt’s faithful steed, and that was just half a second of horse butt. You could even tell me that this was Lord of the Rings, and Cavill’s Geralt would somehow make more sense. You could tell me that this was a trailer for Game of Thrones or Vikings or Outlander and I would buy it. There’s talk of the elven genocide at the hands of men how magic is the means through which chaos is made into order how you can’t outrun destiny - all faithful beats from the original novels, yes, but drenched in the kind of focus-tested preciseness that makes it all seem so rote. It’s a very desaturated dark fantasy vibe with beautiful women throughout and handsome men portraying characters of power, just like every other one of these shows. Nothing about it seems demonstrably awful (though an argument could be made about the CGI spider at the end), but it doesn’t seem all that interesting either. And maybe that’s the biggest warning sign that this trailer delivers. Cavill is still way too traditionally handsome for this role, I think - every time his perfect cleft chin and immaculate cheekbones enter frame my brain immediately shouts “I DON’T BUY THIS!!” - but it all seems fine. There’s plenty of action shots of a clothed Geralt, Power Rangers morphin’ coin medallion and all, and those shoot right into the ol’ dome without issue. Cavill’s only line is spoken during this shot, and I could not begin to tell you what he said. And so, to protect my fragile psyche, it sees nothing at all. Like gazing upon the four-dimensional shadow of an ancient eldrich god, my mind simply cannot handle the geometry of what it is seeing. I’ve watched this trailer like four times now, and every time it gets to the brief clip of Henry Cavill’s shirtless, hulking enormity, my whole brain just shuts down. The first trailer for Netflix’s adaptation of The Witcher is here, and y’all? Geralt’s body is too much for me to process, and not in a good way.
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